A Spirit of Fear

I sought the lord - fear

Fear – This is something I have worked on most of my grown life. Not fear of things like snakes or mice or the dark, or one of the things we normally think of as fears.  I can handle most of  those kind of things. Not easily, but without  huge fear. My fears are different. I was a shy child and it has taken me years to work on some of the fears that seem to come from that.  I have a telephone phobia which stems from fear of bothering people, a fear of being the first person to an event, and some other ” social fears”. I have a fear of being left alone in life and some other fairly rational and irrational fears.

Our life can be scary. I had a big scare last Saturday. I panicked and I am not too proud of how I handled this medical scare. After all, I am a nurse – my calm nurse brain disappeared and a different mind appeared. A frightened, panicky mind that couldn’t seem to organize what needed to be done.  You see, my husband is in end stage kidney failure and nightly hooks himself up to a home dialysis machine – his blood circulating through this giant machine that dominates each evening and night.  Doing these treatments at home is a blessing for it helps his body to be just a bit more healthy, and gives us some freedom to take whatever day off we wish. But it comes with the price of handling small emergencies as he determines his treatment nightly  by measuring his weight, blood pressure and kidney function.

So a result of that is that sometimes his blood pressure drops. Most times that can be remedied with adding  more fluid but this Saturday night the klunk I heard signalled a more serious drop in blood pressure and an unconscious husband. Despite some glitches like the portable phones not working and a misconception on what he had done before collapsing, the emergency was short-lived.  I was able to tell the people on the 911 line that their services were not needed and they didn’t have to come. Soon my husband was talking to me, and laughing about this newest episode.

Yes, laughing. Not exactly what I needed at the time, but after talking about it, he realized that I had been very afraid.  In a few days, I was able to decide that this as just another incident in the life of a dialysis patient and that we would continue this way of doing things! After the incident, I took over some of the decisions  for  a while  This may seem good but my fear made  him not do as well as he could.  I had to put that aside and stop recommending such a conservative treatment. Now I need to be more involved yet not controlling. Not always easy for me.

Okay warning –  faith based thoughts coming up !

Several years before, in one of my husbands many health crises, I was reminded very strongly of a Bible verse that has drifted in and out of my life ever since.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of  love and of a sound mind.  2 Timothy 1:7

This came to mind again, (through remembering and a note from a friend) and I realized AGAIN that God had me in His hand, and no matter what happens I would be fine.  Hard concept some days but very real.

So, I am able to sleep again without wakening to check on him. Instead of clinging to fear the next time something like this happen – and there will be a next time – I will cling to the promise of a God who will protect me with His love.

A good thought !

About Terry Jago

Retired nurse manager interested in living my best life with natural and healthy living choices.
This entry was posted in Skin Care, healthy living and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to A Spirit of Fear

  1. merle30 says:

    Thank you for sharing your story Terry and I can relate to a lot of what you say. Wishing you and your husband all the best.

  2. May you and your husband be truly blessed with health. He seems to be taking it in stride. Learning to laugh in the face of adversity is truly a gift.

  3. Christina says:

    Hi Terry, thank you for sharing this. I am so inspired whenever I hear from people who manage to cope with fear when something is *really* scary. It definitely overshadows those little day to day fears we become preoccupied with. I’m glad your husband is okay after that scare!


    • jagoterry says:

      We do what we have to .. I never envisioned this as our life, but we are happy and good and doing what we can. Off to Florida for a week – all my organizing paid off !

  4. Hello Terry, I am so grateful to you for having the courage to share your story. Fear is a natural emotion that has become so misunderstood in our culture. But, it’s an organic and reasonable reaction to life circumstances. And as you know, the real issue (and where transformation begins) is not “if” we have fear,but “how” will we choose to respond when we have it. – Peace & Blessings! -Phyllis

  5. kimdalferes says:

    Thx so much for sharing this Terry. You might know that March is National Kidney Month – your post will help many understand what it’s like to live with kidney disease.

    • jagoterry says:

      I had forgotten that .. usually find out from Facebook Kidney disease is something that was so removed from our imagination that it took us by surprise but people need to know it hits young and old and not always diabetics

  6. Oh Terry, I feel for you. And I’m proud of you. How much courage does it take to look back at events and admit that we don’t like how we handled something. You are very brave. And your hubby is, too (imagine — to be able to laugh so soon after a medical event like that!). I’m sending you both all my very best vibes and wishing lots more laughter for you.

  7. Suzie Cheel says:

    Terry thanks for sharing, it is amazing what the power of fear can do, when we replace the fear with the power of love miracles happen 🙂

  8. Lorii Abela says:

    Thank you for sharing this Terry. Very inspiring. It’s really hard to over come fear but worth it.

  9. erry, you are both really brave people – it must be tough for you both living with the kidney problem and sleeping with the dialysis machine, and how terrifying that sounds. But what shines through your story,is the amazing courage you have in assessing this latest event and making yourself change your reactions in order to keep your husband stable,and controlling his tests – I’m sure he needs to do this to feel some control in his life, and he chooses to laugh, what great spirit!
    Your fear is born from love and your caring from yourself and your nurses background – and I think you are full of courage to be reviewing your actions in this story and also telling your husband about your fear – and I am pleased he understood.
    I hope you can find an understanding through your faith to find more peace and less fear.Thank you for this story from the heart

  10. Lisa Salisbury says:

    Great share. I was also shy as a child and it has taken many year of my adulthood to finally find me and who I am. This is one thing that has helped me break through the fear. To work through it and move forward. Fear for me has always been a change of the unknown, but I have found the greatness in the letting go and exploring!!

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