Fear – This is something I have worked on most of my grown life. Not fear of things like snakes or mice or the dark, or one of the things we normally think of as fears. I can handle most of those kind of things. Not easily, but without huge fear. My fears are different. I was a shy child and it has taken me years to work on some of the fears that seem to come from that. I have a telephone phobia which stems from fear of bothering people, a fear of being the first person to an event, and some other ” social fears”. I have a fear of being left alone in life and some other fairly rational and irrational fears.
Our life can be scary. I had a big scare last Saturday. I panicked and I am not too proud of how I handled this medical scare. After all, I am a nurse – my calm nurse brain disappeared and a different mind appeared. A frightened, panicky mind that couldn’t seem to organize what needed to be done. You see, my husband is in end stage kidney failure and nightly hooks himself up to a home dialysis machine – his blood circulating through this giant machine that dominates each evening and night. Doing these treatments at home is a blessing for it helps his body to be just a bit more healthy, and gives us some freedom to take whatever day off we wish. But it comes with the price of handling small emergencies as he determines his treatment nightly by measuring his weight, blood pressure and kidney function.
So a result of that is that sometimes his blood pressure drops. Most times that can be remedied with adding more fluid but this Saturday night the klunk I heard signalled a more serious drop in blood pressure and an unconscious husband. Despite some glitches like the portable phones not working and a misconception on what he had done before collapsing, the emergency was short-lived. I was able to tell the people on the 911 line that their services were not needed and they didn’t have to come. Soon my husband was talking to me, and laughing about this newest episode.
Yes, laughing. Not exactly what I needed at the time, but after talking about it, he realized that I had been very afraid. In a few days, I was able to decide that this as just another incident in the life of a dialysis patient and that we would continue this way of doing things! After the incident, I took over some of the decisions for a while This may seem good but my fear made him not do as well as he could. I had to put that aside and stop recommending such a conservative treatment. Now I need to be more involved yet not controlling. Not always easy for me.
Okay warning – faith based thoughts coming up !
Several years before, in one of my husbands many health crises, I was reminded very strongly of a Bible verse that has drifted in and out of my life ever since.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
This came to mind again, (through remembering and a note from a friend) and I realized AGAIN that God had me in His hand, and no matter what happens I would be fine. Hard concept some days but very real.
So, I am able to sleep again without wakening to check on him. Instead of clinging to fear the next time something like this happen – and there will be a next time – I will cling to the promise of a God who will protect me with His love.
A good thought !